There is a theory that human communication is often based on a model of warfare. When a person is upset, feels out of control, is in pain, or simply doesn't know any better- their instinct is to protect themselves. They may do this by shutting down, attacking other people before they can be attacked, or by picking a fight in an effort to displace their pain.
The consequences of this are clear. For example: Person A is in pain, and verbally attacks Person B. Person B retaliates in an effort to protect themselves. Person A responds to the new attack by strengthening their defenses. Person B may try to diffuse the situation, but by now Person A is so riled up that there can be no compromise. And so on, and so forth. Person A's pain has not been addressed, and may even be worsened. In addition, Person B is now upset, and may pass their pain on to Person C.
The way to stop the pattern is a combination of honesty and diplomacy. If Person A had begun by approaching Person B and saying "I feel upset right now," the situation wouldn't have become a problem. If Person B had responded to Person A's initial attack by saying "You seem really upset. What's going on?" then there would have been a greater chance to diffuse the situation.
Effective communication can be a difficult skill to master, but the rewards are great. The key is a willingness to stop yourself before the situation gets out of control, take a deep breath- and try one of the following strategies.
1. DEAR, GIVE FAST
This format is especially useful when approaching someone with a specific request (ie: asking your boss for some time off, or a raise.).
Begin by:
Describing the situation.
Express how you feel about the situation.
Assert what you need.
Reinforce what the consequences are if your needs aren't met.
Remember to:
be Gentle (or at least polite) in your approach. Even if you're angry, a civil approach will get results much more often than not.
act Interested. Listen to the other person's needs, thoughts and feelings. You may not agree, but if you want them to listen to you, extend the same courtesy their way.
Validate or acknowledge the other person's feelings, wants, difficulties, and opinions about the situation. Be nonjudgemental out loud: "I can understand how you feel, but..."; "I see that you are busy, and..."
use an Easy Manner. Use a little humor. Smile. Be light hearted.
also, keep in mind that you should:
be Fair to yourself and the other person.
not be overly Apologetic. No apologies for being alive. No apologies for having an opinion. No apologies for being upset, or disagreeing.
Stick to your values. Don't sell out your values or integrity for reasons that aren't very important.
be Truthful. Don't lie, act helpless when you're not, exaggerate, or make up excuses.
Here's an example of how this might look, altogether:
Wife: "Can I talk with you for a moment?"
Husband: "Sure."
Wife: "You came home late tonight--"
Husband: (defensive) "Yeah, I know--"
Wife: "Sweetie, hold on, let me finish and then we can both talk. You came home late tonight, and it's the third time it's happened this week. So what happens is, I start feeling worried because I don't know if something has happened to you. I tell myself it's ridiculous, but then I start wondering if you got in a car accident, if someone hurt you.... and then when you come home, I get angry because I've been worrying, because dinner is cold, and because you didn't call. So do you think you could start calling me if you're going to be late? I don't want to be angry at you when you come home from work, and I'm sure you don't want to come home to an angry wife."
Of course in real life there are all sorts of unique challenges and obstacles that can come up, but by following the rules of "DEAR, GIVE FAST", you should be able to handle anything that comes your way. Just be patient with yourself. It takes practice, but with time, the "DEAR" approach can become an automatic response.
2. The second format is called "Whole Messages". It's essentially the same idea as "DEAR", although it's a little more casual.
The steps for whole messages are: Observation, Thought, Feeling, Need. Here's an example of how this would work, given this situation-
Laura's mom says to her, "Oh, I see you're late. AGAIN." Laura's feelings are hurt. The words Laura's mom used aren't necessarily mean, but the tone- the implication- is critical and unsupportive. Laura responds by using a whole message:
Observation: "Mom, your tone sounded sarcastic just now."
Thought: "I think it's because this is the second time I've been late to school this week,"
Feeling: "But it hurts my feelings when you're sarcastic with me."
Need: "If you're upset with me about something, could you tell me without being sarcastic?"
And that's all there is to it. The other person may not respond in a way that you're entirely happy with, but the point is not to control THEIR response-- it's to know that you've done everything within your power to make the situation better. Anything beyond that is out of your hands, which means you are not responsible for it. You cannot be made to feel bad about things you cannot control.
If you'd like, you can think back through this week to a situation that was upsetting for you, and create a whole message based on that situation.
Observation (describe what happened):
Your thoughts about the situation:
Your feelings about the situation:
What you needed from the other person:
Just like with DEAR, GIVE FAST, Whole Messages take time and practice. But give it a shot. You may be surprised at how quickly your communication improves. Your needs will be met more easily because other people will be AWARE of what you need. Fights will diminish. You'll feel more competent and in control, and will have the sense that you can handle any interpersonal situation that may come your way.
