There will always be challenges in life-- difficult circumstances, difficult people, difficult feelings. The task is not to eliminate them, but to learn how to deal with them effectively, in a way that makes you feel competent and in control.
The purpose of this step is to provide a list of healthy responses to stress. From there, you can collect your favorite ones and use them whenever you need to. It's important to have either a mental or written list of things you can do to make yourself feel better, and these ideas should help you accomplish that.
1. When dealing with a situation you cannot change, you can distract yourself by:
Exercising, calling friends or loved ones, playing computer/video games, getting some coffee or tea, gardening, volunteering, giving something to someone else, making something for someone else, doing a surprising, thoughtful thing, counting your blessings, watching soap operas, reading about other people coping with difficult circumstances, reading emotional books or stories, watching an engaging movie, listening to music that's the opposite emotion of whatever you're feeling, leaving the situation mentally, building an imaginary wall between yourself and the situation, putting the painful emotions in a box and setting it aside for awhile, counting to 10, doing crossword puzzles, reading, watching TV, listening to very loud music, holding ice in your hand until it melts, going for a long drive.
2. When you're in need of comfort, you can self-soothe by:
Buying flowers for yourself, lighting candles and watching the flame, making a nice dinner for yourself, sitting outside and enjoying nature, going outside at night to look at the stars, going to an art museum, looking at pleasant pictures and photographs, listening to beautiful or soothing music, listening to exciting or invigorating music, listening to nature (birds, waves, rainfall, wind, etc), singing loudly to your favorite songs, playing or learning to play an instrument, putting on perfume, cologne or nice smelling lotion, lighting a scented candle, boiling cinnamon, baking cookies or bread, getting something good to eat, having something soothing to drink (not alcohol), treating yourself to a dessert, sampling flavors at an ice cream store, driving somewhere beautiful while listening to happy music, taking a bubble bath, putting clean sheets on your bed, petting your dog or cat, getting a massage, soaking your feet, pampering yourself, putting on really comfortable clothing, hugging someone, brushing your hair for a long time, writing a letter to someone you care about, curling up in front of a fire with a good book, writing poetry, drawing, making paper airplanes, getting clay or playdough from the store and letting loose, going to a playground and playing, going to a cemetery during the day to just sit and be quiet, going to a cafe to drink coffee and people watch, going to the movies.
3. When you want to turn a negative circumstance into something positive, you can improve the moment by:
Imagining relaxing scenes, imagining a secret room within yourself that you can go to whenever you feel very threatened, shutting the door on any painful emotion, imagining everything going well or turning out ok, imagining yourself coping well, making up a fantasy world that is calming or beautiful, finding or creating some value, meaning or purpose in the pain, focusing on whatever positive aspects of the situation you can find, telling yourself "Things happen for a reason", "What can I learn from this?", making 'lemonade out of lemons', praying, asking for strength to withstand the moment, turning things over to whatever source you find comfort from, tensing and relaxing your muscles starting from the top of your body and working your way down, listening to a relaxation tape, exercising hard, taking a hot bath, massaging your neck and scalp, breathing deeply, half-smiling, changing your facial expression, focusing your entire attention on whatever you're doing, keeping yourself in the moment you're in, doing awareness exercises, getting into bed and pulling the covers over your head for 20 minutes, renting a motel room for a day or two, taking a brief vacation, getting a schlocky magazine or romance novel and chocolates to read and eat in bed, taking a blanket to the park and sitting for the whole afternoon, unplugging your phone for the afternoon or letting the machine screen your calls, taking a one hour breather from whatever needs to be done, cheerleading yourself, repeating "I can stand it", "It won't last forever", "I will make it through this", "I'm doing the best I can", over and over, journaling about your feelings.
4. And, when you just need a pleasant activity, you can choose from any of the following or come up with your own:
Soaking in the bathtub, planning my career or future, getting out of (paying on) debt, collecting things (coins, shells, etc.), going on vacation, thinking how it will be when I finish school, recycling old items, going on a date, relaxing, going to a movie in the middle of the week, jogging, walking, knowing I have done a full day's work, listening to music, recalling past parties, buying household gadgets, lying in the sun, planning a career change, laughing, thinking about my past trips, listening to others, reading magazines or newspapers, hobbies (stamp collecting, model building, etc.), spending an evening with good friends, planning a day's activities, meeting new people, remembering beautiful scenery, saving money, gambling, going home from work, eating, practicing karate, judo, yoga, thinking about retirement, repairing things around the house, working on my car (bicycle), remembering the words and deeds of loving people, wearing nice clothes, feeling attractive, having quiet evenings, taking care of my plants, buying, selling stock, going swimming, doodling, exercising, collecting old things, antiques, going to a party, thinking about buying/saving for things, playing golf, playing soccer, flying kites, having discussions with friends, having family get-togethers, riding a motorbike, sex with someone you care about, running, going camping, singing around the house, arranging flowers, practicing religion or spirituality [going to church, praying, meditating, etc], losing weight, going to the beach, thinking I'm an OK person, a day with nothing to do, going to a class reunion, going skating, going sailboating, traveling abroad or in the USA, painting, doing something spontaneously, doing needlepoint, crewel, etc, sleeping, driving, entertaining, going to clubs (garden, Parents without Partners, etc.), thinking about getting married, going hunting, singing with groups, flirting, playing musical instruments, doing arts and crafts, making a gift for someone, buying records, watching boxing, wrestling, planning parties, cooking, going hiking, writing books (poems, articles), sewing, buying clothes, going out to dinner, working, discussing books, sightseeing, gardening, going to the beauty parlor, early morning coffee and newspaper, playing tennis, kissing, watching children play, thinking about all the things I have going for me, going to plays and concerts, daydreaming, planning to go to school, thinking about sex, going for a drive, listening to a stereo, refinishing furniture, watching TV, making lists of tasks, going bike riding, walks in the woods (or at the waterfront), buying gifts, traveling to national parks, completing a task, collecting shells, going to a spectator sport (auto racing, horse racing), eating gooey, fattening foods, teaching, photography, going fishing, thinking about pleasant events, staying on a diet, playing with animals, flying a plane, reading fiction, acting, being alone, writing diary entries or letters, cleaning, reading nonfiction, taking children places, dancing, going on a picnic, thinking "I did that pretty well" after doing something, meditating, playing volleyball, having lunch with a friend, going to the mountains, thinking about having a family, thoughts about happy moments in my childhood, splurging, playing cards, solving riddles mentally, having a political discussion, playing softball, seeing and/or showing photos or slides, playing guitar, knitting, doing crossword puzzles, shooting pool, dressing up and looking nice, reflecting on how I've improved, buying things for myself (perfume, golf balls, etc.), talking on the phone, going to museums, thinking religious/spiritual thoughts, lighting candles, listening to the radio, getting a massage, saying "I love you", thinking about my good qualities, buying books, taking a sauna or steam bath, going skiing, white-water canoeing, going bowling, doing woodworking, fantasizing about the future, taking ballet, tap dancing, Debating, sitting in a sidewalk cafe, having an aquarium, erotica (sex books, movies), going horseback riding, thinking about becoming active in the community, doing something new, putting together jigsaw puzzles, thinking 'I'm a person who can cope'.
The most important thing to remember: When faced with a challenging situation or emotion, ask yourself "What can I do to make this situation better?" and "What can I do to make myself feel better?". There is ALWAYS an option. It's just a matter of finding the right one.
