This last step is definitely the most complicated, but very necessary in order to truly understand 'why you are the way you are' and make peace with that emotional landfill.
To begin, go back to the idea of journaling. This is the best way, guaranteed, to really start taking a look at what's going on underneath the surface. It gives you a chance to vent, get angry, be sad, play with ideas, rehash the past- all within the confines of a 'safe place'. You can also go back later and look at what you've written, analyze it, look at it objectively, and come to new conclusions.
There are some places to journal online, but I generally don't recommend it, simply because there are a lot of other journalists out there with problems, and it can be distracting. If you're more comfortable with typing, you can journal in Microsoft Word and put a password on the document (go to "Save As", "Options", then choose a "password to open" and "password to modify"). Or, you can buy an actual paper journal (it can even have a lock and key, if you'd like), a sketchbook, a notebook, or put together a journaling binder. It's entirely up to you.
The initial journal prompts I generally give are these:
1. Describe what your personal goals are. What would you like to change in your life? How would you like to feel about yourself? What would you like to accomplish? What would you like to become better, more skilled, or more effective at? What would you like to decrease, or eliminate altogether?
2. Describe your relationship with your father/stepfather, growing up. (For those without, describe the non-relationship, and it's affects on you). What was he like? If still living- What is he like, now? How did he treat you? What kinds of things did you do with him? How did you feel about him? How do you feel about him, now? Do you have any strong memories that involve him? What was/is the most positive aspect of your relationship with him? What was/is the most hurtful or negative aspect of your relationship with him? Be as detailed as possible.
3. Describe your relationship with your mother/stepmother, growing up. (For those without, describe the non-relationship, and it's affects on you). What was she like? If still living- What is she like, now? How did she treat you? What kinds of things did you do with her? How did you feel about her? How do you feel about her, now? Do you have any strong memories that involve her? What was/is the most positive aspect of your relationship with her? What was/is the most hurtful or negative aspect of your relationship with her? Be as detailed as possible.
4. Describe your relationships with your siblings, if any. What are they like? How did you get along? How did you treat one another? What kinds of things did you do with one another? How did you feel about them? How do you feel about them, now? Do you have any strong memories that involve them? What was/is the most positive aspect of your relationship with your sibling(s)? What was/is the most hurtful of negative aspect of your relationship with your sibling(s)? Be as detailed as possible.
5. Sit quietly, and try to recall a sad memory from your childhood. Recall it in as vivid detail as you possibly can. Try to remember how old you were, what was going on, who was involved, how you felt, etc. Engage your senses-- remember what you saw, heard, touched, smelled, felt emotionally, and thought. Describe it, when you're ready to begin writing. If you have more than one, you can write about each one, individually.
6. Sit quietly, and try to recall an angry memory from your childhood/adolesence. Recall it in as vivid detail as you possibly can. Try to remember how old you were, what was going on, who was involved, how you felt, etc. Engage your senses-- remember what you saw, heard, touched, smelled, felt emotionally, and thought. Describe it, when you're ready to begin writing. If you have more than one, you can write about each one, individually.
7. Sit quietly, and try to recall an anxious or scared memory from your childhood/adolesence. Recall it in as vivid detail as you possibly can. Try to remember how old you were, what was going on, who was involved, how you felt, etc. Engage your senses-- remember what you saw, heard, touched, smelled, felt emotionally, and thought. Describe it, when you're ready to begin writing. If you have more than one, you can write about each one, individually.
8. Sit quietly, and try to recall a happy memory from your childhood/adolesence. Recall it in as vivid detail as you possibly can. Try to remember how old you were, what was going on, who was involved, how you felt, etc. Engage your senses-- remember what you saw, heard, touched, smelled, felt emotionally, and thought. Describe it, when you're ready to begin writing. If you have more than one, you can write about each one, individually.
Beyond that, I generally recommend that you journal several times a week. Record any powerful emotions, interactions, conversations, situations, events. Talk about what you're thinking and feeling, what you think would help, what you can do to make things better, what you need from other people, etc. I also suggest that you end each journal entry with an affirmation-- one positive statement you can make about yourself, whether it's something trivial ("I smell nice" or "I'm wearing cute socks!") to something more substantial ("I am a strong person, and I can make it through this"). Just try to end each entry on a relatively positive note.
Depending on the content of your journals, you may want to consider speaking with someone to help you sort through the things you've written about. This could be a therapist, a counselor, a parent, a trusted friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend. Try to find someone who you feel is able to give you unconditional love, support and acceptance, and listen to you in a nonjudgemental way. You can also email me directly, if you'd like, at ariaweb2003@yahoo.com. I would be more than happy to help.
If you'd prefer trying to sort through your landfill on your own, here are some suggestions and ideas to help you get started.
First, remember: Everything that happens in your life affects you on some level. It may be insignificant, or hidden, or it may be profound. But every person, event, interaction and feeling affects you, and because of that, helped form the person you are today.
Start by isolating a particular person or problem in your mind. For example, let's say you have/had a parent who tends to be critical or demeaning. Imagine how those criticisms affected you. Did they make you feel good about yourself? Did they make you feel self assured, confident, competent..? Or-- did they make you feel self-doubting, anxious, insecure? Did they cause you to dislike yourself, or think there was something wrong with you? Did they make you have trouble trusting other people, for fear that they might criticize you too?
You can also work backwards. For example, say you constantly push yourself to do better, always beat yourself up for so-called 'failures', and are never satisfied with your accomplishments. Where did this feeling come from? Did someone instill a sense of wrongness in you, that you are never good enough or acceptable as you are? Trace the problem back to its roots. Ask lots of questions, and don't stop until you are satisfied that the answers make sense.
Each individual is entirely unique, and reacts to their life experiences in a different way. Someone who is naturally shy will not respond in the same way a naturally outgoing person will. Take into account your own personal characteristics, along with the circumstances of your life.
Understanding how you became the person you are today is key. Once you can understand the reasons for your feelings/behaviors, it's much easier to come up with ways to counteract the problem, fight back, and eventually, take control.
For further guidance, I highly recommend reading any of the following books. Many of them involve what is known as "Borderline Personality Disorder", which is essentially a term that describes people with a wide range of emotional problems. Please do not be put off by the label. Most people have some degree of emotional issues-- it's just a question of how much so. These books can be a great help to anyone, not just people with BPD.
